A Brief Essay on Meat Paste

This brief essay was written for the ESI newsletter in the Czech Republic, which has a worldwide circulation of about 25.  The only thing that a non-Czech or Czech Republic resident needs to know in order to understand it is that meat paste is quite the popular comestible round these parts.

- Elliot

Every now and then, the foreign English teacher is likely to run into a problem that he/she is not prepared to face.  In the interest of readying the teacher for some of the odder happenings of the teaching abroad experience, we here at the (insert name of newsletter here) have put together a series entitled "What To Do In An Emergency."

Installment #1: What To Do When One Student Squirts Meat Paste Into Another Student's Eye

If you have not had the foresight to include "No Food" among your class rules, it may happen that a student in your class, anxious to get at that meaty goodness, squeezes a little too hard and incapacitates a fellow student with a stream of paste to the eyeball.  You turn from the blackboard, where you have been painstakingly writing out grammar rules that these students could already recite to you in their sleep, to find the paster trying to look innocent and the pastee writhing on the floor.  How should you react?

Step 1: Don't Panic.  Many an otherwise levelheaded English teacher has fallen apart in a situation like this.  Just stay cool. Keep a paper bag handy to stave off hyperventilation, if necessary.

Step 2: Ask, "Are you OK?" and wait for the pastee to give the international sign for "I have meat paste in my eye."  Otherwise, it could just be a false alarm.

Step 3: Assuming there is a sink in your classroom, fill it with warm water and dunk the pastee's head repeatedly until the paste becomes dislodged.  If no sink, use a moist towelette.  If no towelette, spit.

Step 4: Once the paste has come out, allow the pastee to go to the bathroom to compose himself/herself.  Give everyone else a few minutes to recover from the excitement.  If you sense that this is a "teachable moment," write any new vocabulary words from the incident on the board.

Step 5: The pastee will undoubtedly want the next month or so of classes off to recuperate.  DO NOT LET HIM/HER HAVE IT.  Although a shot of meat paste to the eye is indeed a traumatic experience, only two or three days should be allowed, at most.