Act I:

Prince (El) Tamino is being pursued by an enormous serpent.  We don't know where this serpent comes from or why it thinks El Tamino will be so delicious, but nonetheless, he is being pursued.  He faints (the pansy) and is rescued by three Ladies in the service of the Queen of the Night.  The serpent goes backstage to smoke a cigarette, because he's done for the night.  The Ladies find him comely, but they think they hear the Queen calling, so they need to go.  When he wakes up, he doesn't know who has rescued him, but there is a strange guy dressed in a multicolored feather suit who brags to El Tamino that he did it.  Papageno, this feathery man, is a birdcatcher and also works for the Queen (who, it seems, has something of a monopoly in this forest).  He is punished for lying when the Ladies return and put a padlock on his mouth.  They give El Tamino a lovely portrait of the Queen's daughter.  He thinks that they're just giving him the frame, and he thanks them politely although it's a little gaudy for his tastes, but when he meets the Queen he finds out that she actually wants him to rescue the daughter (Pomona).  She has been kidnapped by the evil demon Sarastro.  He promises to do so (even though he would be happy with just the frame) because he knows that the opera can't end here; we're not even halfway through the first act.  Papageno decides to come with him, because anything is better than sitting around with a padlock on your mouth, and they are both given magical instruments: Papageno gets bells, and El Tamino gets a flute.  The sound of the instruments will protect them from danger in Sarastro's realm, and so they take them, grumbling something about wanting swords instead.

In Sarastro's realm, Pomona tries in vain to escape the clutches of the slave Mononucleosis who wants to win her love.  He's not so bad looking, but she's really put off by his name.  Then Mononucleosis flees in terror from Papageno's loud jacket, while Papageno tells Pomona about El T.  He also adds some subtle hints about his own desire for a sweetheart.

Three Genii, who are leading El Tamino and Papageno (but who are in reality three guys hanging on cables), lead El Tamino to three temples: of Wisdom, Reason and Nature.  He comes across Sarastro's high priest, who tells him the truth: Sarastro is not really a demon but a good guy, the high priest of the temple of Wisdom, and a snappy dresser besides.  This Temple of Wisdom can only be entered by those who find the path to light through the power of friendship, which explains why El Tamino was unable to enter earlier even though he really had to use the restroom.  No one is quite certain what to do next, but then they remember that the flute and bells haven't been used yet, so Mononucleosis obligingly attacks Pomona and Papageno so that he can be repulsed by the pretty tune of the bells and pirouette offstage with his fellow slaves.

Sarastro then rolls up with his entourage.  He explains to Pomona that he kidnapped her in order to remove her from the power of her mother, who although she has a great voice, is not such a nice person.  He does not want to interfere with her love for El Tamino, but will grant them freedom only after they undergo purification in the heretofore unmentioned Temple of Probation.  They feel a little gipped, since nobody had mentioned this temple before and they strongly suspect that Sarastro just made it up, but they have no choice but to agree.

Act 2:

In a palm grove the priests discuss whether El Tamino is worthy of knowledge and truth or whether they should just hog the knowledge and truth for themselves.  Sarastro sticks up for him and asks Iris and Osiris to help him and Papageno in their trials.

The first trial is the trial of silence.  Papageno, a real loudmouth, hesitates, but decides to submit after he is promised a sweetheart who is similar to him except she can cook.  Since this would not be much of an opera if the people onstage weren't saying anything, the Ladies of the night come to the rescue and do a little number.

Mononucleosis makes advances on Pomona again but is chased away by the Queen, who tries to convince Pomona to kill Sarastro so she can get back the Shield of the Sun.  Mononuclueosis, ever the persistent guy, tries again to force himself on Pomona but Sarastro intervenes.  He knows about the Queen's little plot but doesn't do anything because Love rules in the Temple of Wisdom.

El Tamino and Papageno persist in their trial of silence, and start to get thirsty.  One wonders why they never got thirsty while they were doing all that singing before, but some things can't be explained.  An old hag appears with some water, saying something about being Papageno's bride.  Before Papageno can protest, she disappears with a clap of thunder.  The Genii float back in and bring food and drink and the flute and the bells to the guys, and tell them that everyone back home is rooting for them.  El T undergoes a hard test when Pomona shows up and is hurt that he doesn't want to talk to her.  El Tamino then goes on to the next test, but Papageno lingered at the buffet and is not allowed to follow him.  He's a little put out about not knowing the bliss of initiated souls and all that, but he forgets it quickly when the old lady reappears, this time transformed into his sweetheart Papagena.

Pomona, not understanding El Tamino's silence, prepares to stab herself in despair.  The Genii (what would we do without them?) float in, reassure her that El T still digs her, and lead her to him.

The lovers are reunited and go through the trials of fire and water together, guided somehow by the flute (is there anything it can't do?), and enter into the Temple of Wisdom.  Meanwhile, Papageno prepares to hang himself in a garden because he has lost Papagena somewhere, but the Genii again come to the rescue, bringing Papagena to him so the two can make out right there onstage.

The Queen of the Night, her Ladies of the Night, Mononucleosis and just about everyone else who is dressed in dark clothing attempt to penetrate into the Temple of Wisdom.  Sarastro arrives with Pomona and El Tamino and the Genii and the priests.  The realm of darkness is shattered, and Wisdom and the Sun prevail.